Trials

    

    The other day in church we were talking about trials and times we found more difficult.  I immediately flashed back to when I was six months pregnant with my third son, I was separated from my husband and unemployed.  This should have been a trial and I am sure I struggled, but all I could think about was how happy we all were; how simple life was.  The four of us spent our days looking for sticks, staking rocks, building sand castles, playing with play doh, creating memories, reading, baking, adventuring and laughing.  Of course it was never easy being a single parent to three boys under three, but I am pretty sure I wouldn't have changed a thing.  Now I work ten hours a day five days a week, rarely make meals, avoid most activities and find it difficult to feel joy.  So what is better? I can finally afford my own groceries, pizza on Friday nights, Jiu Jitsu lessons, cooking classes; but I'm not any happier or more fulfilled.  I don't go to bed thinking about adventures or exciting plans for tomorrow, but I do go to bed thinking about bills, questioning choices I've made and worried about my boys screen time.

    I wish I could say I know the secret to turning back the clock and letting go, but I don't.  For right now I am going to try to take advantage of the small moments and be grateful for the trials I have learned from.